Work(s) in Progress

Only Now

I feel like the universe has been trying to send me a message. There are many ways to express that message: carpe diem, life is short, seize the moment, there is only today, tomorrow may never come, there is only now, just do it, impermanence, the only constant is change…

The unexpected stroke of a dear friend is on my mind. I was in Washington DC last week when I got the news. My flight had just landed when an email from her assistant popped up on my Blackberry. I remember sitting there on the plane, while others debarked, just crying. Two strokes, one hemorrhagic, fever, endocarditis, these do not combine for a good prognosis. I always think there is more time. Did she know how much she mattered to me, to the others she touched in her life? I cried for the potential loss to the universe of someone as special as she was. I hope that she will recover and yet I already feel the pain of the loss of her.

She was both mentor and friend to me. I have been truly blessed to have gotten to know her well over the past year.  I saw her as often as her schedule allowed, but it’s hard to get on the schedule of someone who works 12 hour days, 6 days a week. Luckily it was pretty easy to coerce her to leave the office on Sundays to grab a coffee and some conversation, at least every few weeks. I love her wonderful combination of warmth, experience, optimism, and pragmatism. She is still in the ICU with her prognosis uncertain. I don’t know if she will wake up from this.

While she is foremost in my mind, I see this message everywhere: My grandparents Alzheimer’s disease, the end stage renal failure of my uncle, my divorces, my mother planning to live on her own for the first time ever, and the fatal diseases that unexpectedly strike the loved ones of dear friends and colleagues.

I have a tendency to be focused on tomorrow: next week, next month, next year, next decade. I love to plan and build toward the future. It is very easy for me to be like my friend working long hours with no vacation, always thinking of the future and not today.

I was surprised by the depth of my grief and the tears I have already shed over the potential loss of my friend. I did not have many tears for my divorce, which worried me. I shared this and my underlying concern with a good friend.  My friend sent me the following philosophy that I am now sharing here:

...tears that one sheds for the unspeakable tragedies that befall any of us as humans, are the only ones worth shedding...not self pity or lamenting mistakes we may have made along our individual journeys...the true tragedy of life is that it can be taken from us at any time and that we may have not lived what time we had to our fullest...filled with passion for all things we love. 

I am blessed with some amazingly great and wise friends. There is only now.

Quiet

Lots on my mind, not much to say in public. I've been keeping a private journal recently. I got in the habit of writing but don't have much to share at the moment.

I met with a doctor this morning to discuss tubal ligation. When they called to schedule a surgery date, I learned that it will occur the day the judge is scheduled to sign my divorce decree. I don't believe in a higher power but I sometimes feel the universe is laughing.

I try to stay above the political fray on this blog. I will say that Sarah Palin scares me. I am a registered independent. I loved the idea of McCain in 2000. I was less certain for this year. His VP choice has made it very clear that Obama is the candidate for me. If you wonder why I am frightened, I can only say, watch this:

I have no words, just abject terror at the idea that she could be our nation's leader..

So, if you are looking for wonderful things to read:

I really enjoyed Brad Feld's recent post Simplify. The idea of the "sunk cost" was one of the most important ones I learned in Business School. I tend to apply it EVERYWHERE in my life.  

Julie Berg has completed yet another 100 Mile race with a truly inspiring race write up. Be sure to buy her magic blister repelling foot potion. I have been reading Julie's blog since about 2004. If her most recent race post inspires you, I encourage you to start at post #1. She is always surprised that people find her inspiring. She is quite simply amazing.

Christine Kane recently gave a speech at a college orientation. I loved her rant on "anything worth doing is worth doing badly." I especially LOVED this part:

"Sucking is highly under-rated. Sucking should be celebrated. Sucking teaches you that sucking is not the problem. Not trying at all is the problem. Trying to be cool is the problem. Worrying about what everyone thinks of you is the problem. "

Amen.

 

Alpha Men

A few weeks ago I read several books by women who have developed techniques to effectively work with dominant men.

When I got those books, Amazon recommended that I also consider getting What Men Don't Tell Women About Business: Opening up the Heavily Guarded Alpha Male Playbook by Christopher Flett. I finally read it this evening.

Have any men read this? Is it accurate? Do you really feel this way? Oh wait, I've just lost all of my credibility by asking. Darn.

I found this book to be simultaneously both incredibly illuminating and highly disturbing. On the one hand, the author states multiple times that (alpha) women are the perfect people to become the leaders of today's companies. And yet, within his framework, these same women will always be subordinate to not only the alpha males but also the beta males in the group.

In spite of my discomfort with some of the theories and recommendations put forth in this book, it is written in such a way as to be actionable. Further, it gives very specific examples of behaviors that undermine one's power or will cause one to be "deep sixed." What does it mean to Deep Six someone? "The is the process we use to sabotage your credibility and your career. It comes from underwater (you rarely see it coming), and it has a devastating effect on your position in business."

I need to reread this book, and take notes, as there seem to be two major themes. The easy to swallow theme deals with productivity, professionalism and providing superior value - core ideas in any business book. The other theme seems largely built around loyalty, trust, keeping secrets, and not damaging the surprisingly fragile egos of the alpha males. It seems like the primary cause of getting yourself deep sixed is apparently a careless word that cracks the foundation of the fragile male ego. And woe to the woman who inadvertently provokes the wimpy beta male. Let the games begin, only the woman must wage her war ever so cleverly. Actually perhaps she should just start looking for a job out of state. It seems men can dish out and take criticism from each other, but a women who offers up constructive feedback to a man even when asked, even to a subordinate, risks provoking war and paying the price for damaging the male ego.

Fascinating.  I always thought alpha men were hardier creatures than this.

Career Mapping

These days, I frequently meet people with very interesting job titles, most recently a "Chief People Connector" for an executive recruiting firm. I think she may also have been the founder and CEO but she did not use those titles. Even when I meet people with more traditional titles, I often have no idea what their job entails or what skills and credentials were required to get there. I may have found a place to find the answers.

The US Bureau of Labor Statistics publishes a book each year called the "Occupational Outlook Handbook." How did I not know about this resource until this week? It's freely available on-line and searchable. I looked up my old career running a biomedical researchlab and the content and career path were incredibly accurate. Importantly, it describes how one spends their day and what credentials, training, and skills are needed to succeed at the job. Fun.

Just what I needed

I've been reading Steve Pavlina for several years now. While he sometimes traipses down paths that are not of interest to me, e.g. polyphasic sleep or raw vegan diet experiments, every once in a while I find EXACTLY what I need EXACTLY when I need it. Today is one of those days.

Today he wrote: Tolerance is Resistance to Love.

Here's a snippet that sucked me in:

When your external reality is out of sync with your inner self, your inner self will resist it. This creates the feeling of wanting to escape your circumstances. You may feel powerless to make big changes, but deep down you’ll still sense a strong desire to “get out” and leave parts of your reality behind. You’ll fantasize about quitting your job, moving out, or ending a relationship. It’s easy to lose years of your life while surrounded by incompatible energies. This problem is so common that some people just consider it normal.

People may dismiss these feelings as my almost text-book mid-life crisis. And yet, Steve's action path for dealing with this problem is novel, liberating and just the message I needed to hear today. Thanks Steve.

Managing by Strengths

Last week I was invited to learn more about Managing by Strengths. With a short series (truly short - less than 10 minutes) of questions, it creates a profile that is similar to both the Insights discovery profile (I'm a "reforming observer" -more here) and the Myers-Briggs type indicator (I'm an INTJ).

You might be able to see my profile here (I'm not sure how long they leave the results active). The interesting thing about MBS is that it measures the stretch you feel you are making to perform your job. I work on being less direct and more extroverted to try to be better at my job. Egad I am direct by nature. I know this but it is still funny to read.

Description of Strengths:(RED Color Code)
Results oriented, candid, hard driver, innovative, decision maker, big picture, convincing teller, positive, primary concern is getting things done, self confident with people, needs to be in control, competitive, quick thinker, can delegate details, holds on to authority, needs elbow room in which to work. Additional Information is available about your Self, Adjustment and Role Profiles.

Combination of Strengths:
D/E: Candid, teller, analytical, creative.
D/P: Driver, self-starter, wants results quickly, competitive.
D/S: Very independent, very self-confident.
E/P: Fast, fluent communicator.
S/P: Detail and organizational tendencies, loyal, Corporate Hook.

Motivation by Strengths:
D (51): control, challenge, money
E (16): opportunity, recognition, status
-P (-51):variety
-S (-19): independence

Logic: Fact oriented.

Communication by Strengths:
You appreciate people who are direct and candid, allow you to make decisions, challenge you, and give you freedom to operate.

--

If you are in Colorado and want to learn more about how Managing by Strengths can help your organization, contact Cate Lawrence.

Be Extraordinary

I love my job. Tomorrow I get to meet Gregg Vanourek, one of the authors of Life Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives. I'm hoping that Gregg will be able to inspire our students in the Fall. What is Life Entrepreneurship? It is creating a life of significance through opportunity recognition, innovation and action. Leading an entrepreneurial life can change your experience from ordinary to extraordinary.

In this same theme, there is Chris Guillebeau's blog on the Art of Non-Conformity. I recently stumbled across his manifesto, A Brief Guide to World Domination - How to Live a Remarkable Life in a Conventional World (pdf). This brief (29 page) article starts with the premise that "You don't have to live your life the way other people expect you to." That's the core. If you don't have time for the full 29 pages, you can start with his post on The Decision to be Remarkable.

That's it really. Want to change the world? Just decide, then act. Everything else follows.

Welcome to my mid-life crisis, part 1

I've been wanting a new car for the last year or so. Whenever I would sit in traffic, I would promise myself that my next car would be an automatic. I have only ever had cars with standard transmission. I know from my old car, that I loved my leather heated seats in the winter, and that the black leather was too hot for summer. I also loved the turbo on my old car. And because this is my mid-life crisis car, I really wanted a convertible. But, since I only wanted to have one car, I wanted a retractable hard top so I could drive it year round.

Behold my new Eos Lux.

• Leather heated front seats, not black
• Retractable hard top
• Automatic
• 2.0 Turbo

Eos was the Greek goddess of the dawn, and this car certainly lets the sunrise in.

You can build your own on the VW website.

S&M in the office

One of my favorite things about Amazon is that books are recommended based on your browsing history or prior purchases. I read a lot of business books - generally themed toward entrepreneurship & innovation or management. Recently I've been reading more books targeted to women in management positions in male dominated organizations. And speaking of books, I really want a Kindle.

The two I've read most recently The Corporate Dominatrix: Six Roles to Play to Get your Way at Work and Seducing the Boys Club: Uncensored Tactices from a Woman at the Top have both had an S & M Theme.

Now granted, in Seducing the Boys Club, the S & M is defined as "Seduce and Manipulate" and is an autobiographical history of one woman's rise to the top of her company. This book is entertaining and filled with advice and suggestions. Some of it the advice is so over the top I found myself laughing, often. Here's an example:

"One of the great tools, or weapons, we have as women is flirting, and men always respond well to positive attention. If you know you are going to a contentious meeting with a man, you can defuse his anger before he even opens his mouth. Unless he is morbidly obese, there is no man on earth who won't puff up at this sentence:

"Wow, you look great. Been working out?"

Or if you "accidentally" touch a man's arm while you are talking about something serious, you can interrupt yourself with a quick show of admiration:

"Wow, your arm is like steel. Been working out?"

I know, I know, it's obvious and underhanded, but is always works."

Um, you've got to be kidding me.

My favorite parts of this book are where the author shares her missteps - what the situation was and how she handled it badly. Almost always, she will share how she turned it around - a process that might have taken weeks, months or years. These are truly illuminating case studies, almost all written in the humorous tone above.

The corporate dominatrix is written in a more traditional way, and is built around the more common definition of S & M. The goal is to not become either sadistic or masochistic but to use the lessons of S&M to become an effective corporate dominatrix.

What are the characteristics of a Corporate Dominatrix you might ask?

• Has clear boundaries; does not allow others to restrict or violate boundaries
• Conveys thoughts and opinions directly & clearly
• Expresses gratitude and appreciation graciously
• Uses direct eye contact, sturdy posture, assured gestures.

Who doesn't want to be her!

The author defines six common fantasy archetypes to discuss when each management style (and what type of power to use) would be most appropriate so that one can become a "Corporate Dominatrix".

These are:

• The Goddess - personal power
• The Queen - positional power
• The Governess - expert power
• The Amazon - coercive power
• The Nurse - healing power
• The Schoolgirl - borrowed power (referent power)

This framework is interesting and useful. Most of us have a preferred archetype or three with which we are most comfortable with the others underdeveloped. I definitely have a few I need to work on. I called a mentor a few weeks ago for advice. I was getting ready for a meeting and knew my inner Amazon was ready to do battle but I also knew she was absolutely NOT the archetype who was needed for the meeting. I had not yet read this book, but I can now see that my mentor was trying to persuade my inner Amazon to become a Queen for the meeting. Interesting.

Meet my Alter-Ego

Back in about 2000, my not yet husband gave me my first computer game, Asheron's Call. It's one of those massively multiplayer on-line role playing games (MMORPGs). I've been playing essentially continuously since the fall of 2000. It's one of those games where every month the developers provide new content via the monthly patch or update. There have also been two major updates to the game since release. It's quite different than when I first started.

My first real character, Tarma, was born January 23, 2001 on the world of Winter's Ebb. I spent quite a lot of time in game with her - 3 months, 4 days, 16 hours and change (yes more than 800 real life hours with just this one character were spent in game). She has a very big house (err mansion) and more belongings than I realized as I tried to consolidate two accounts today. Each account can have 6 or 7 characters each of whom can carry many items. So while I have many characters spread on various worlds, my real avatar is Tarma, shown here looking at her in game home. Somehow she ended up being a Monarch.

Like many MMORPGs, Asheron's Call has allegiances. Egad, if you are responsible at all you end up an officer with additional responsibilities; it can be like a 2nd job "running" a guild. I was in several guilds over the years. Guild politics are identical to office politics if you are curious. Management styles vary.  It is probably great leadership experience running some of the guilds of 1000's. Some run well for years while others implode after just months. This game is somewhat unusual in that many women play (not just teen boys role-playing women) as do many working professionals in their 30's and 40's.   

It's funny, I've met several people from this virtual world. Some have become real world friends. I think for me, the best thing that Asheron's Call did was teach me to talk to strangers. I could not do this when I started. But in Asheron's Call, many quests could not be done solo; team efforts were needed. You had to talk to and work with strangers to move forward. So many conversations started "Hi [toon name], want to do a quest together?" or "Hi, want to join my allegiance?" or "Hi, let's go try that new quest..."

Somehow this experience has made it infinitely easier for me to walk up to a complete stranger with a smile on my face to say "Hi, I'm Cathy..."

I canceled one of my accounts today. There just has not been time recently to play. I suspect I may cancel my main account soon. I will miss Tarma but I think it's time for her to fade away. Of course I did just make sure I could cover 6 more months of rent payments on the mansion but it's time to let her go. I think I'll miss her. She was pretty much invincible.