Work(s) in Progress

Traveling Companion Needed

I went to the movie Yes Man at Christmas with friends. I do not normally go to movies of this kind, but I enjoyed it and think of it still. I find myself saying "yes" more often to things I intended to do eventually. I'm just doing them sooner. It's all part of my quest for Bliss and my realization that there is only now.

My friend Martha is always the executive director of some health related non-profit. This year it's Dani's Foundation which focuses on Ewing's Sarcoma.

Dani's Foundation recently held a fund raising dinner (video here) with several hundred silent auction items. I started the bidding on four items and 'won' two of them, both on my "to do eventually" list: 1 week at a bed and breakfast in Hawaiiand 3 nights in Napa Valley at the Meritage Resort- complete with airfare, limo tour, and wine train tour.  Side note: it's really a sign of our economy when the opening bid on items such as these are the winners.While there are some blackout dates, I essentially have until March 2010 to go on these journeys. People ask me when I'm going. I am not yet sure. I need to line up a traveling companion. While I can easily chill in Hawaii by myself for a week, I definitely want a wine loving traveling companion for Napa Valley. Let me know if you are interested...

For my birthday I finally got the Kindle 2. I'm currently reading Outlierson it, another book by Malcolm Gladwell. Like one of his prior books, Blink, I am utterly enjoying this book. I cannot overstate how much I am enjoying my Kindle: it's smaller than a trade paperback and with its Leather Cover is much, much sexier.

I did not achieve the 6-pack abs I wanted for my birthday. I have been working out regularly - 5 or 6 times a week. However, for every 350 calories I've been burning off per workout, I've probably been eating an extra 600 or so. So, yes, I'm stronger and faster but also heavier. Oops. For the most part, my clothes are still fitting but I'm up a few pounds that need to be shed to see the muscle underneath. I currently belong to two athletic clubs. I really need to decide which one to stick with going forward.

While I have not been writing much on-line (my offline writing is going strong), this has been an amazingly good month. My friend who had the stroke last fall, is now almost fully recovered and back at work.  To quote a physician friend of mine "Cathy I don't believe in miracles, but A's recovery is a true miracle." Indeed. I went to her welcome back party earlier this month. I've never seen so many delighted people at a work event such as this.

Work has been insanely busy, but in a great way. We opened our annual business plan competition to the entire state of Colorado, not just our University family. So far, we're getting terrific interest from the community. We've been filming our orientation sessions (feel free to watch the first one). If you are a local reader and know someone who is starting a company, please have him or her contact me. Executive summaries are due April 16th so it's not too late to participate. We award more than $100,000 in cash and in-kind awards to the winners. The CEO of one of our incubator companies has been working with me on my presentation skills. He used to do corporate training for public speaking among other things. Since I open each session, I will soon have ample video footage for him to review and critique. This is not exactly fun, but will eventually make me better.

Month 1 Update Goals 2009

Where did January go?

You know that it's been too long when your mom emails to find out why you have not been blogging. 

I have three major goals for 2009- improved fitness, learning Spanish and seeking out bliss.

While I have not been good at writing down my progress, I have been actively pursuing my goals.

Fitness - I joined the new LifeTime Fitness Center in my neighborhood. I have been meeting a friend there about 5 times a week. I have started swimming again. I'm getting stronger and faster. I'm not sure why I'm willing to drive about 10 miles to work out when I've had a membership to a gym about 2 block from my work that I rarely used. I think it's because I've had a friend who has consistently met me there, either mornings or evenings depending what will work for my schedule. Knowing someone is waiting or would be waiting helps me get there.  

I want to see my abs again this year. I'm close. I weighed and measured recently. I estimate I need to lose 5 or 6 measly pounds of fat to reach this goal.

Spanish- I have not made as much progress adding a new language. I did move the first 30 lessons from CD to iPod but that has not helped much.

Bliss - Ah the bliss. I think this must be my real goal for 2009. The bliss is everywhere. It's been a great month. Seeing my friend, who was in a coma for about a month after her stroke last fall, walk a few blocks to enjoy a meal at Chipotle with me. Having her talk about returning to work any day now. Going for my first motorcycle ride to the mountains with a good friend because it was sunny and 70 in January. Getting home before the snow blew in. Getting a massage; a facial; a manicure; a pedicure. Taking my very first ski lesson. Not falling. Sitting on an outdoor deck in the snow looking up on the mountains sharing conversation with a good friend over lunch. Connecting with someone who could become important. Having him cook dinner for me. Watching the people walk by on sunny days sharing conversation over coffee with good friends.

And, I finally have some closure on my home situation. My now ex-husband and I filed for divorce in July and promptly put our house on the market. Our divorce finalized in October. After 6 months, more than 54 showings, a price drop of 12.5% and no offers, my ex and I came to an agreement. Yesterday we met at the bank, transferred money to him and the title on the house to me. I cannot express how relieved I am to know that I can move my belonging out of the garage and into the house; that I can count on the house being locked when I get home; that I can leave the bed unmade from time to time; that I won't get 15 minutes warning to leave for 2 hours on Saturday mornings.

Short Notes

I love reading other people's blogs. I had a few things catch my attention this weekend.

(1) Scott Adams has an interesting post on practice that ended with this sentence. "It makes me wonder if the passion part of our brains will ever be manipulated by drugs so that passionless people get just enough OCD to obsessively practice something until they get good at it."

(2) Kyra has a wonderful post (rant) on health and fitness (and the obesity epidemic in the USA) on a budget which reminded me of Maggie's posts on frugal dieting and fitness. Truly, I can (and often do) spend more on meal than Maggie would spend on a week of healthy eating.

(3) Clay Lowe was interviewed and included in that interview was an amazing poem. I'm going to grab a snippet.

Her dreams have all gone to bed by Clay Lowe

The wind whispers between
raindrops of yesterday’s past
the memory of her last kiss
fades to black

She can see her happiness
stagger out the front door
into the arms of another
perfumed night

Her broken dreams have
all gone to bed haunted by
ghosts of lines left unsaid

...

go read the rest. And be sure to check out Clay's blog. I can't wait for his book to be published in March. I don't even normally like poetry but Clay's poems tend to resonate with me.

(4) I follow Ben Casnocha on Twitter and read his blog regularly. This tweet resonated with me today: "We unconsciously dislike / repel people in whom we see parts of ourselves that we cannot or do not want to accept. (DFW)"

I see this everyday and could not agree more. 

Christmas in Cozumel, part 2

I mentioned previously that my friend Chris and I planned to spend our Christmas holiday in Cozumel. I've known her for almost 20 years but it was the first time we've traveled together for fun. It was great to spend time with her.

I can only say wow. Our room was exactly as described, and then some. There were some oddities, like the rooms with no light bulbs and the toilet with the water turned off (we had 3 so it was not a hardship), but these were quickly repaired. I finally created a flickr account so you can browse all of the pictures here if you are interested.

I spent a lot of time sunning myself on our private deck or sitting in our private pool which had terrific views.

 

While we did normal vacation things like having a girl day at the spa or taking a boat trip to go snorkeling, my favorite activity might have been the meals.

 

What a great way to spend Christmas!

Merry Christmas

I'm one of those people who sends an annual Christmas letter to family. This is a slightly edited version of the one I sent this year.

December 2008

Dear Friends & Family,

2008 has been an eventful year both personally & professionally. I turned 40 and dove right into my midlife crisis complete with new career, convertible (VW Eos), Caribbean cruise, and divorce.

I’m almost one year into my new job as the Executive Director of the Bard Center for Entrepreneurship. While the job is incredibly different that what I’d imagined, I simply love it. 

I continue to run my Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis research lab on the weekends. People ask me all the time whether I regret my decision to leave science. I think it surprises both me and them that the answer remains no. My former boss at the University of Denver is taking over the project and making it his own. We’ve got about 6 more months to facilitate the transition and I know the work I started is in good hands.

This summer, I asked my husband for a divorce. It’s been as amicable as these things can be. Our divorce finalized in October. He kept the cats. We’re still trying to sell the house. Send me an email if you’d like to stay in touch with him and I will pass on his new contact information.

I went on my very first cruise in August with a bunch of magnificent women that I knew only from the internet. The picture is from the formal dinner. It was a wonderful time with amazing women (Irene, Maggie and Kyra) and their husbands.

 

Wishing you & yours a wonderful holiday season and a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

Tales of Internet Dating

Soon after I filed for divorce, I created on-line dating profiles at two free websites: Date Hookup and Plenty of Fish. Both profiles are currently hidden else I’d link to them for amusement. I have friends that met (and married) people on Match or E-harmony but I really did not want to have to pay to use a service when I was uncertain that I really wanted to date at this point. For the record, of these two free sites, Plenty of Fish seems to have many more users.

I can’t say that I ever really “dated” in the past. I tended to go from serious monogamous relationship to serious monogamous relationship. Indeed, back when I got divorced from husband #1 in 1999, I started dating husband #2 soon after the official paper work was filed, months before the divorce finalized. We did have 9 years together overall, so I can’t say that it was a mistake, but this time I want to browse a bit, window shop, to see what's out there.

This has been a fascinating experience. I’ve met a number of people for coffee – my preferred low pressure first meeting. Apparently the majority of time, the men, at least the ones I met, needed to send 10 to 100 initial contact notes to get even one reply. With one notable exception, every man I met with contacted me first. Many of them remarked on the high volume of messages they got from Russian or Romanian “Brides” or women just looking for an encounter, with any man (yikes!).

The first person I met was an ATF agent in town for the Democratic National Convention. He sent me his work email address (doj.gov) which made me feel much less scared about meeting a stranger. He was an incredibly nice and funny guy. We went on a few dinner dates but it seems like we’re meant to be friends. He’d send me really nice notes, but in person he seemed much more comfortable flirting with the waitresses than me. I don’t think he meant this as an insult; I just seemed to bring out his most formal and polite behavior. He doesn’t live in Colorado but we still email occasionally. I rate this as a great first experience – very good guy who I hope will meet someone who suits him perfectly.

My next outing was with an incredibly fit bilingual performance trainer. I really wanted to see him without his shirt on but never did get the chance. Between his work schedule (and mine) and his schedule with his kids, we only managed 3 one hour dates. We emailed for a bit but it was not meant to be. I think he will be terrific, for someone; the words that come to mind when I think of him are joyful, friendly, fit and vibrant.

I went on a few dates with a real estate appraiser. He was nice but my outings with him always left me feeling a bit sad. I always felt like the joy was getting sucked out of me whenever I was around him. I suspected from the first date that there was nothing there, but went on 3 more because he seemed nice. I learned to (mostly) trust my first impressions from meeting him.

I did go on one coffee date where there could have been a great professional fit. He was an advertising executive who specializes in biomedical devices and therapeutics. I checked his website and he does great work but overall the coffee was a fizzle. I never did follow up and neither did he. I may yet pass on his information to the CEO of my biotech company.

All of these men contacted me first. I spent the most time with the person I contacted, let’s call him the Pretender, after the TV show of that name (I loved that show!). I loved his on-line profile. We seemed to have many of the same interests. And, I confess, I loved his pictures. Date one was coffee, of course, but in this case 2.5 hours passed without me checking my watch. Since this never happens, I knew he was a winner! I have known him for about two months. We spent about 6 weeks, essentially inseparable. I either saw him or spoke with him daily. I introduced him to friends and colleagues. We spent Thanksgiving with his family and my friends. I was in serious like with this guy. And then, last week, I got an email from one of his brothers, who used Google to find me, who felt it was his moral duty to warn me about his brother. The brother gave me contact information for everyone in the family, even an ex-girlfriend, should I want to verify things from multiple sources. Everything that I thought I knew – from his name to his place of birth to his profession – all got turned upside down. After hours of conversation with his brother and several calls and emails from his mom, I cut off contact with him. And then I cried. The truth would have been fine if only he'd been willing to share it with me himself, from day one. The whole thing makes me sad.

And thus ends my tale of Internet dating. I’m done.

As you can see, there were a few people I went on three dates or more. If you trust the Internet, date 3 is the magic outing. You’ve got to be kidding me. In only one case did I get more than a handshake on date 3 - which was exactly right. Now men, that does not mean you should wait too long, as my good friend Chris O says, you might get banished to “Friendship Alcatraz” if you don’t make your intentions known (as in you should at least hug the girl!). But in my case, three dates, with a stranger, is nothing. I need more time to get to know someone and how I feel about them.

I learned from this experience that in the past everyone I previously got involved with I knew for months or years before becoming more intimate. The men I dated were either in school with me or were close friends of friends, etc. They’d already been vetted in some way. The experience with the Pretender has made me feel cautious, jaded. I had been hoping to keep my personal and professional lives separate but I no longer think that’s a good idea.

So, my friends, after I’ve basked in the sun in Cozumel over the holidays, I’m looking forward to your recommendations & referrals. I’m told women want too much, but really I’m looking for 3 things:

1. interesting & articulate

2. comfortable in his own skin

3. joyful (cup half full vs. half empty)

Sure there needs to be chemistry for the person to not be banished to Friendship Alcatraz but in the scheme of things it’s a short list. And, I can never have enough friends. Friendship Alcatraz should not be underrated. OK, there's a 4th item on the list: must tolerate (and ideally enjoy) my evening black tie and other events generally served up with the mystery chicken entree.

It's Official

In Colorado, the Decree of Dissolution of Marriage (aka Divorce decree) is a check the appropriate box document. It looks like the judge signed on schedule and accepted our separation agreement. This life changing form simply arrived quietly by US Postal Service today.

For those who wonder what it looks like, I've scanned both pages, removing only the header with names, court and case information.

 

and here is page 2.

And there ends seven years of marriage. My first husband and I (we divorced in 1999) have remained friends over the years. I hope that nine years from now I will be able to say the same about my second husband.  

Some things can't be undone

Some things can't be undone. I did two of them yesterday.

In theory, the judge signed my divorce decree yesterday. I suppose I could drive over to the county court house to check but USPS should deliver the signed copy of the decree in 5 to 7 days. I am still amazed that such a major life event can pass so very quietly, with no ceremony, no fanfare, and no need to appear in court for the process to complete. Ours has been an amicable divorce in the scheme of things. There are only a few things left to do based on our settlement agreement: sell the house & remove my ex from all of my insurance policies at work (decree needed for the latter). We've been doing home improvement projects on the weekends trying to make the house more likely to sell. Mostly it's been going smoothly but there are odd moments, like when the cashier at Home Depot wants to know whether we'd like to open a joint credit card account to save 10%. Um, no thank you. I find humor in these moments but I think it is harder for my ex. For this I am sorry.

The second thing required more action on my part, and certainly more ceremony. Yesterday I had my tubes tied - the official name for the procedure is a laproscopic tubal ligation (but they don't tie, they cauterize - this is forever). I was at the hospital by 6:30AM for check in. They rolled me into the operating room by 8:00AM, right on schedule. I woke up by 9:30 AM and was home before 11:00AM. The only external signs are two incision sites - one at belly button and one on pubic bone. Well those and my beach ball like belly.  No lifting, abdominal work or running for 4 weeks.  Yikes. Walking however has been blessed. I suspect I will be doing lots of walking. For now, it's more of a shuffle, so not just yet. My assistant from work was my driver and caretaker yesterday. She's the best. She's already had me check in this AM.  

Christmas in Cozumel

My best gal friend from graduate school and I are meeting in Cozumel for Christmas. We decided to splurge. This is the room description from our reservation.

ENJOY A CHILD FREE ENVIRONMENT IN OUR WELL APPOINTED LUXURIOUS 2 BEDROOM SUITE WITH A PRIVATE POOL (35 X 15 FT), A HUGE PRIVATE SOLARIUM, SPACIOUS LIVING AND DINING ROOM.

THESE SUITES ARE OVER 2,100 SQUARE FEET. EACH BEDROOM BOAST A KIND SIZE BED AND 32 INCH FLAT PANEL TELEVISION. THIS SUITE OFFERS SPECTACULAR VIEWS OF THE OCEAN AND POOL. GUEST BATH FEATURES WALK IN SHOWER, MARBLE VANITY TOP, AND PREMIUM BATH AMENITIES.

These suites are larger than my house (if you don't count the basement). Now granted it is supposed to be a "couples only" all-inclusive resort and we're not that kind of couple (not that there is anything wrong with that) but I think we will have a great time.

It felt great to buy my plane tickets! Frontier has a direct flight from Denver.

You can find us here.

Go Dilbert

I'm a big fan of Scott Adams' blog. While I don't always "get" Dilbert, I do like to read about Scott's writings that go behind and beyond his work.

Scott recently paid for a survey of economists to assess their opinions on the ability of the two major US Presidential Candidates, Barack Obama and John McCain, to have a positive impact on the major economic challenges facing our country. You can learn more on CNN and Scott's blog.

A strong majority of economists are democratic, a fact which surprised me. Scott had the surveyed economists rate the major economic issues and then rank the presidential candidates with respect to those issues.

Education was #1. Let me say that again, Education was #1. I have always believed this in a very visceral way. If you want to change the world in the long term, education is the only answer. Clearly, I am not alone in this belief. The next key issues were Health care, International trade, Energy, Encouraging technology and innovation (let's hear it for Entrepreneurship! of course I am biased.), and the Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (homeland security).

On these key issues, Barack Obama was the clear winner, except for International Trade. I found this to be funny since so many people around the world hope that Obama will become our next president (see e.g. this article). Of course, the entire survey is biased given that most of the economists are Democratic (and thus lean towards Obama); in spite of this limitation, I found the data very interesting.

 

Of course if you don't want to ponder the substantive issues (or data), watch this parody instead. As the fake Hillary challenges the media to grow a pair, so to do I offer mine. Get some.